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Adventures in Pacifism, Louis CK Edition: Semi-finalists

Summary:
OK, largely because I can’t think of a simpler way to get my folks in the Bob Murphy Show supporters FB group to vote on this, below I’m listing what I took to be the contenders for the contest I’m sponsoring. First prize gets 0, 2nd gets , and 3rd gets . (Full details here.) So for those of you in the Facebook group, you have to vote there, on the poll I set up (which should be the reason you are here at this blog post). DON’T vote in the comments below; that will be treated as a Trump vote in Pennsylvania at 3am, if you get my drift. SEMI-FINALISTS A) I think simply saying, “No, I won’t do that” and risking getting beaten up would be the way to go. I have been in a very similar situation, and I did exactly that. B) Sean: when was the

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OK, largely because I can’t think of a simpler way to get my folks in the Bob Murphy Show supporters FB group to vote on this, below I’m listing what I took to be the contenders for the contest I’m sponsoring. First prize gets $100, 2nd gets $50, and 3rd gets $25. (Full details here.)

So for those of you in the Facebook group, you have to vote there, on the poll I set up (which should be the reason you are here at this blog post). DON’T vote in the comments below; that will be treated as a Trump vote in Pennsylvania at 3am, if you get my drift.

SEMI-FINALISTS

A) I think simply saying, “No, I won’t do that” and risking getting beaten up would be the way to go. I have been in a very similar situation, and I did exactly that.

B) Sean: when was the last time you got your ass kicked?
Louis: the last time? About 6 months ago…
Sean: you got your ass…
Louis interrupting Sean and pointing outside say “you see that Range Rover, Sean…number 68…from Dillinger High school? That’s my ass kicking prize”
Sean: you want me to believe you won that Rover in a fight?
Louis: no no no, Sean…number 68…from Dillinger high, I won that in the settlement from the last guy who I let kick my ass”
“It was a pretty bad beating. But totally worth it, Sean…number 68…from Dillinger High. Plenty of witnesses like her, and him (pointing at patron) were there…was a slam dunk case”
Sean looks puzzled
Louis: hey Sean number 68 from Dillinger High, can I ask you two questions before you kick my ass?
Sean: what’s that?
Louis: first, when you lay into me, could you get your buddies to join in….I really want a nicer house…and second, Sean number 68 from Dillinger high, knowing what will likely happen after this ass kicking, and that YOU won’t be the one actually paying for this…when was the last time your dad kicked your ass? I mean really kicked your ass…like costing him hundreds of thousands…ass kicking?
Sean looks at his friends, breaks out into a disingenuous laugh and says “I’m just f-ing with you Louis, don’t get so serious” and walks off a little less loud.

C) Okay, so I asked my 260 lb husband what he would do given the constraints, and here was his answer:

Kid: When’s the last time you had your ass kicked?
My Man: Are you showing off in front of your friends? If you have the courage to fight all the time, do you have the courage to ask a girl out?
Kid: Man I [expletive deleted] all the time.
My Man: Maybe you do this because it’s something that you can do and it makes you feel good and it’s something you can control. Maybe it’s a lack of love in your life.
Kid: You see this fist? Looks like I controlled that s***.
My Man: Do you want a hug? I can give you a hug.
[At this point he stands up and hugs the kid, wrapping his arms, immobilizing him.]
My Man: I love you, man. Hey Honey, record this and upload it to YouTube. This is a beautiful moment between two men. [squeeze] Wanna sit down? You’re too young for a beer but I’ll buy you an ice cream.
Kid: Nah [gasp] I’m good.
My Man: Maybe a soda? I can get some for your buddies too. [squeeze] Unless you just want to go home.
Kid: [gasp] We’ll just go, man.

I can attest from experience that this technique works. Maybe not if you’re a small man, but performed by a large guy, it’s pee-your-pants funny. It’s peaceful and lovely.

D) most certainly I would say to him, but not in condescending nor cowardly way but in a stern and serious tone: “I am NOT apologizing, you and your friends were not behaving appropriately and no amount of violence will make me concede” followed by “if you think you are so great and proud for assaulting innocent people then go on ahead and prove how much of savage you are”. But that is just because I don’t fear physical pain at this point of my life, I don’t fear losing a few teeth nor anything of that kind

E) you could also go for the more Stoic answer and say, “Because I will still be just as good a person after you kick my a** as I am now.” For an extra-strong Stoic response, follow that up with, “And I will still love you as my brother, for all men and women are brothers and sisters.” (But only use that if you really mean it. It has to be authentic to work.) For a more religious variation on this, you could try, “Because God (or Jesus) will love me just as much after you kick my a** as he does now.” The religious answer has the benefit that you can follow it up with, “And God (or Jesus) loves you too, and he’ll be there for you when you’re ready.” 

F) WWJD. The model is there. Offer the cheek, and then offer the other cheek. Maybe you get punched once, maybe you don’t, maybe you get punched twice, but in no instance does the bully look good.

Ghandi offers a similar solution. Hit me, I will not fight back. Beat me senseless, I will not fight back. If you do it, you will look a fool to your peers, but that does not matter. You will appear a fool to yourself (unless perhaps you are a psycopath, which is not that unlikely).

G) Offer to take this disagreement outside. Sean will likely say yes as it sounds like you are willing to fight. Once outside and out of sight of your date offer Sean some money to leave you alone. Pay him half on the spot and promise him the other half at the end of the date if he fulfills his promise. Tell Sean that you will leave the other half in the bathroom if by the end of the date he has fulfilled his wishes.

H) I’d take a photo of him and post it to Twitter. Then I’d tell him what I’d done and say he has three options. If he kills me, people will be able to work out who he is from the photo, the tweet and their location data and people will treat him as a murderer. If he beats me up I will tell everyone on Twitter he’s a thug who beat me up and they will act accordingly. Otherwise, he or I can make up something interesting or witty to post about the photo, or say nothing at all about it, depending on what he prefers.

I) When the kid asks when was the last time I got my ass kicked I say “I don’t get my ass kicked when I can dance like this.” and then I start dancing around the restaurant. Like the romantic guy that I am I get the lady in on it and we start dancing together. Nobody is going to beat up a dancing couple. Maybe this fails the “maintain his dignity” stipulation, but if my dude dances well then doesn’t that only enhance his dignity?

J) OK so I don’t think this kid actually wants to fight, especially inside the diner. He just wants to humiliate Louis in front of his date to impress his buddies.

So Louis needs to show the kid that he’s truly not afraid, but also give the kid a way of saving face and leaving the situation without Louis having “won.”

When the kid starts making overt threats, Louis says, “So just to be clear, Sean, you’re going to fight me right here in the diner because you didn’t like me asking you guys to quiet down when you first came in?”

Presumably the kid answers with some version of, “That’s right a-hole.”

Then Louis says, “OK well if you and I are going to fight, let’s at least make it fair. You’ll need a weapon…” Louis looks around and holds up a butter knife. “Eh, this is decent but not really enough…” he says almost absentmindedly.

Then Louis picks up a plate (I can’t see in the video but let’s assume there are plates within reach), holding each side with his left and right hands, and head butts the middle of it to crack it into pieces. Then he takes the most jagged piece and hands it to Sean, rotating it so the smooth outer edge is near Sean’s hand for safe handling.

Up to this point, Louis has obviously called Sean’s bluff. I can’t say what he should do next, because it of course depends on how Sean reacts to this initial play. But from this point forward, Louis has to give Sean an out. E.g. if Sean says, “What the hell you crazy old effer” then Louis can just accept that like, “Yep, mental illness runs in my family” to allow Sean to stride away and say to his buddies, “You see that crazy kook?”

But everybody deep down will know what happened.

K) If I’m Louie, (I assume I can’t use my 6’8″ frame to intimidate, like I’m actually Louie) it’s really simple. I pull out my cell phone and take a picture and send it to my brother. I explain that I’ve taken a picture of him and sent it to my brother. Then I remark that he’s got a letterman jacket so I know he’s probably a pretty popular dude that is well known, and based on how big of a bully he seems to be, he probably has a sizeable amount of enemies, happy to point the finger at him. I’ll explain that I’m a grown man, and though I’m not afraid, I’m not going to fight him. I’m a pacifist. I won’t punch back. [yelling to friends, repeating] “I won’t punch back. So Shawn would just just be beating up a man who refuses to fight.” And then I’d turn to him, look him in the eye, and say “Shawn, I know you have a college fund. If you beat me up it’s mine. Shawn, if you don’t have one, I’ll get your parents’ money. Your dad’s 401k will be mine. I’ll have your car. Your clothes. Your parents will be renting me their room rent-free for the next decade. All I have to do is take a few punches and kicks from 16-year old. That’s it. I can do that. I’ll be playing on your PS5 for the rest of my life and I don’t even like Play Station. You see Shawn, I’m an XBOX man. But I’ll play it because it will be mine. And all I have to do is take a few unwanted punches to the face from you. And make no mistake Shawn, if you lose control you will most assuredly be convicted. And you’ll go to jail. And your life will be ruined all because you wanted to get out your dick ruler in front of your friends. Now Shawn, I’ve already sent your picture to my brother and based on what you’ve already said to me, I can bring charges that you harassed me and my friend and threatened extreme violence against me, and showed scars to prove you meant it. But if you ask nicely, I’ll let you go back to your friends and maybe not call my brother and my lawyer. But even if you do, I still might. I still might make that call, Shawn. I don’t know, it depends on how bad I want to play your Play Station, Shawn. But if you don’t ask nicely, I’ll definitely make that call. I don’t know. It’s up to you. I’m kinda hoping you do something dumb because I want your dad’s 401k and your college fund. I really do. But, hey, I don’t think this nice woman wants to see any violence, and my time is worth a lot. I make a lot of money, Shawn, because, unlike you, I don’t suck at life. So I tell you what, I’ll pay you $10 [pulls out $10], what I make in about 5 minutes and what you make in about 1 hour and I’ll give it to you to take your friends and leave. But Shawn … I still might make that call. Because it’s going to bother me that you have my $5. So what’s it going to be Shawn? Are you gonna ask nicely? Or do I get all your assets?

L) (smile) I must warn you that I fart really badly when I get scared. Can you smell it yet?

Robert Murphy
Christian, Austrian economist, and libertarian theorist. Research Prof at Texas Tech and author of *Choice*. Paul Krugman's worst nightmare.

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